| Opening scene to a feature Film |
[Mar. 21st, 2006|10:37 am] |
I wish I knew how to format a livejournal entry. If anyone knows tell me. The formatting is much beter in my PDF file. ask me about it.
This assignment was to write the introduction to a feature film. I hope you think it's good.
Over Black:
VIVIAN
He's passed out in the shower; full power; ice cold; cold water rushing onto the floor and out into my room.
(pause)
He's bleeding out the ears, frothing at the mouth.
(pause)
His right hand is poking out of the shower, bleeding, loosely gripping a knife.
(pause)
His hair is patchy from cuts. A clump of it gently flows out of his lifeless other hand and down the drain with the diluted blood.
(pause)
His arms and legs are covered in lacerations, oozing puss from the festering sores.
We hear a loud sniff.
INT. MIKE'S ROOM. -- NIGHT
VIVIAN HUNCHED OVER A MIRROR HOLDING A ROLLED UP $50 BILL
She sits up and fans herself wildly.
VIVIAN
But that's the worst case scenario.
Vivian passes the mirror to BEN, who is sitting on the couch, fingers tapping on the coffee table in anticipation. There are two large lines on the mirror; this isn't his first.
BEN
That was pretty good, but what's the motivation?
VIVIAN
Drugs.
Ben does the line.
BEN
Pretty good, but if he were that fucked up wouldn't he come here and not to your room?
Vivian waves him off.
VIVIAN
Splitting hairs. It's not like that's really going to happen.
BEN
Yeah, but we were saying what's the worst that COULD happen.
VIVIAN
(gives up)
Ok fine.
Vivian looks at Ben, waiting for him to top the story.
Ben smiles, glad for the attention.
BEN
Ok picture this: Mike went with someone to pick something up.
INT. EXPENSIVE LOFT -- NIGHT
MIKE and his gangster friend sit on a couch. Mike is dressed like a casual suburbanite, his friend is decked out in gangster clothing.
Eight other gangsters are sitting around the coffee table staring at Mike and his friend. Each of these gangsters is larger than the two of them combined.
BEN (V.O.)
The guy he's with gets the drugs.
We see the lead gangster throw Mike's friend a bag of coke.
BEN (CONT'D)
But they force Mike to have a drink.
We see the lead gangster forcefully offer Mike a drink. He reluctantly drinks it.
BEN (CONT'D)
And it's drugged and he passes out.
We see Mike become disoriented and then everything goes blurry and then
BLACK.
BEN (V.O.)
They used him as a party favor for a few hours.
In flashes we see big men slapping Mike around.
They call him a bitch and make him squeal like a piggy.
Mike does everything that they say, but behind his eyes no one is there.
BEN (CONT'D)
They leave him for dead on the side of the street.
EXT. ROAD -- NIGHT
We see a car pull over and one of the gangsters throws Mike out of the car into a ditch.
BEN (V.O.)
He lies there for a few hours until a police car comes by.
We see a policeman get out and check to see if Mike's ok.
BEN (CONT'D)
He checks Mike out and calls an ambulance.
We see the officer radio for an ambulance
BEN (CONT'D)
And then checks his wallet for identification.
We see the officer thumb through Mike's wallet.
He pulls out the ID
BEN (CONT'D)
And finds Mike's friend's bag of Coke.
The officer pulls the coke from the wallet.
BEN (CONT'D)
He runs Mike's license and finds his record.
The police officer looks at his info.
Mike is on probation for distribution of Narcotics.
BEN (CONT'D)
Coke is a violation of his parole.
INT. MIKE'S ROOM. -- CONTINUOUS
BEN
So he goes to the hospital, gets treated for rape, then goes to prison and gets raped some more.
Vivian looks shocked.
VIVIAN
That's awful!
BEN
You wanted me to top it.
VIVIAN
He's only been gone for 3 hours. Your story's no good either.
KIT (O.S.)
I'll give you the worst case scenario.
We see KIT for the first time, sitting in the corner playing with the lava lamp.
BEN
Ok then, what is it.
Kit turns around and points.
KIT
Hand me that.
He's pointing at the mirror. One line left. It's big.
Ben hands him the mirror. Kit takes the hit.
His eyes shoot wide! They dim, but without closing a bit.
Vivian and Ben exchange concerned glances.
Kit begins small convulsions.
Vivian stands up and Ben starts scooting back.
Vomit starts leaking out of Kit's mouth, He collapses on the floor and keeps shaking.
Ben jumps back, Vivian runs to her phone.
Kit reaches a hand towards her. He looks her her dead in the eyes.
KIT (CONT'D)
Stop.
Vivian pauses, phone in hand, glances at Ben who is as mystified as she is, and then stares intently at Kit.
Her eyes are consumed with fear. Kit is going to die.
Kit starts to laugh, then slowly sits up.
BEN
You morbid FUCK!
He kicks Kit in the leg.
Vivian is furious.
VIVIAN
I almost called 911!
KIT
It was the worst case scenario.
VIVIAN
The fuck it was!
Kit looks to Ben for support. He doesn't find it.
KIT
Sure it is. He's more likely OD'd than anything else.
(looks to Ben)
You know him.
Vivian gets ready to end Kit's life when the door flies open with a CRASH!
Mike plows in; hyped out of his mind and flying a million miles an hour.
MIKE
Everybody get out!
Vivian runs to him, eyes filled with concern.
VIVIAN
Baby where have you been?
He pushes her away.
MIKE
Out! I've got someone coming over and they'll be here any second.
She comes back at him protesting.
VIVIAN
But-
He shoves his finger in her face.
MIKE
But nothing!
Mike shoots Ben a look.
Ben puts his hands on Vivian's shoulders; she relaxes a little.
BEN
Come on, lets go to Kit's room.
Mike starts rummaging through drawers, throwing the contents across the room.
Ben gently escorts Vivian through the bathroom and next door into Kit's room.
Kit watches Mike with concern for a few moments, then slowly gets up and heads to his room.
Mike dives across the room, grabs him at the door, spins him around, holds him by the shoulders and gets in his face.
MIKE
Where is it?
KIT
(scared)
Where's what?
Mike is out of his mind on drugs. Kit is scared for his life.
MIKE
(screaming)
You know goddamned well! The Coke!
Mikes face is red and sweaty from his screaming and the drugs.
Kit fears for his life, but looks Mike in the eye. He can see his friend inside his eyes.
KIT
(slowly)
You keep it in the air conditioner.
There's a knock at the door.
Mike and Kit exchange glances, neither sure how to react.
MIKE
Get it!
Kit stares at him bewildered, not understanding the order.
Mike throws Kit onto the couch and walks to the door.
Kit sits up and moves toward the air conditioning.
Mike answers the door and a guy comes in. He's wearing jeans and a white T-shirt.
MIKE (CONT'D)
Hey man, what's up.
GUY
Not much man.
They shake hands but the guy looks past Mike at Kit.
Kit pulls the front off of the AC and reveals a very large bag of Cocaine.
Mike notices the guy staring and turns to see what he's looking at, Kit.
In a flash the guy pulls out a pistol, tucked in the back of his jeans, and whips Mike in the face with it, knocking him into a bookshelf.
He points the gun at Kit.
GUY (CONT'D)
Don't move a muscle.
Kit stays still and the guy presses his gun to Kit's forehead and inches him back to the couch and away from the coke.
Mike jumps up from the bookcase in a flash and levels a Gun at the guy's face. Simultaneously, The guy sees him coming and levels his gun at Mike.
They stand, guns mere millimeters from one another's forehead.
GUY (CONT'D)
You REALLY don't want to do this.
MIKE
Oh yeah, why?
GUY
Because I'm-
GUNSHOT. The room FLASHES.
Kit screams in terror on the couch with a bloodied corpse laying in his lap.
Mike stands over him. His face is blank as though he hasn't processed what just happened; his gun outstretched in the same position as before, smoking.
ROLL OPENING CREDITS |
|
|
| Point Of View |
[Oct. 16th, 2005|06:12 pm] |
This Week's assignment was to write the same scene but from two different people's point of view. Here they are so read them and enjoy.
INT. SMALL DANCE CLUB -- NIGHT
A band is onstage playing music. The dance floor is filled
with costumed people dancing. The room is decorated for a
Halloween party.
Tom and James enter the party. Tom is dressed as Shaggy
from Scooby doo. He is carrying a box of SCOOBY SNACKS dog
treats. James is dressed as a metrosexual Indiana Jones
with a side-bag and frilly brown shirt. James trips on his
whip as they enter the door and we see him catch his flask
as it slips out of his shirt and tuck it away in his bag.
On stage the band has stopped playing and TINKERBELL takes
the mike.
TINKERBELL
Hello everybody, listen up it's time
to announce the winner of the costume
contest.
Tom and James look at each other then aggressively shuffle
through the crowd towards the stage.
TOM
(in Shaggy's voice)
Like I want to win funniest costume
man.
JAMES
Dude, we just got here man, I don't
think that's going to happen.
Tinkerbell glances around the room and finds what she's
looking for. Tom and James make it to the stage directly in
front of her.
TINKERBELL
Our award for scariest costume goes
to decapitated zombie Dracula.
We see a bloodied Dracula figure with no head lumber on stage
with his hands outstretched. The crowd cheers as he accepts
his award.
JAMES
Damn that guy's costume wasn't even
that good.
(notices Tom grabbing
tinkerbell)
Whoa whoa, what are you doing?
TOM
(impersonating Shaggy)
Like Scooby Doo, where are you?
2.
TINKERBELL
(into the mic)
Oh look everybody, we've got shaggy
up onstage.
TOM
(Holds out the box)
Like Zoinks man, You want a Scooby
Snack?
TINKERBELL
Are those even cookies?
Tom shoves one in her mouth and starts laughing.
JAMES
Come on, time to split.
James pulls Tom off stage and back into the crowd. Tinkerbell
spits out the dog treat in disgust.
TINKERBELL
The winner of funniest costume is...
Gay Batman!
We see a full grown adult in a child sized batman suit take
the stage.
TOM
Fuck that guy! I'm way better than
him.
Tom throws a scooby snack on the stage and knocks batman's
hat off with it. The crowd around him turns and look at him
some laughing, others staring. Batman walks off stage and
the band starts playing "Scooby Doo Where Are You?" Tom
sees the SNOW QUEEN stare at him then turn to the WICKED
WITCH OF THE WEST and giggle.
JAMES
Dude, you are done with those scooby
snacks!
Tom throws on a seductive stare and points at the Snow Queen.
He then swaggers toward her while throwing the scooby snacks
blindly over his sholder creating a mess and disturbing the
people behind him.
TOM
(to James)
Take 'em!
Tom walks up to the Snow Queen grabs her and starts dancing
but a few seconds later is interrupted as another guy cuts
in. Tom looks around disappointed, picks up his scooby snacks
and walks over to the BLUES BROTHERS.
3.
TOM (CONT'D)
(to BLUES BROTHERS)
Like zoinks man, You want a Scooby
Snack!?!
INT. SMALL DANCE CLUB -- NIGHT
A band is onstage playing music. The dance floor is filled
with costumed people dancing. The room is decorated for a
Halloween party.
We see the LUCY and MARY talking on the dance floor dressed
as a Snow Queen and the Wicked Witch of the West. They look
at the door and see TOM and JAMES stumble in dressed as Shaggy
and metrosexual Indiana Jones. James trips on his whip as
they enter the door and we see him catch his flask as it
slips out of his shirt and tuck it away in his bag.
LUCY
(points at TOM and
JAMES)
Maybe this party won't be so boring
afterall.
MARY
They're so wasted I bet they don't
even realize it's a Halloween party,
they just think they've entered their
television.
LUCY
(laughs)
That is so true! I love those guys
so much. They walk around like they
own the place but they're completely
wasted all the time.
MARY
And you find that attractive?
We see Tom shove a dog treat into TINKERBELL's mouth and
James quickly pull him off the stage.
MARY (CONT'D)
(gestures)
He just force fed that girl a dog
treat.
LUCY
Call it boyish charm.
MARY
Call it drunken stupor.
LUCY
Ok, you win. Maybe Tom does get
drunk a little too often.
MARY
I know bums who smell better than he
does. And James is only better by
comparison. Hell you'd be better
off with Phill.
2.
LUCY
(laughs)
Yeah right, Phill's a closet
homosexual.
We see Tom catch them laugh and giggle at him.
MARY
Uh-oh, looks like John Belushi's
coming this way.
Tom throws on a seductive stare and points at the Snow Queen.
He then swaggers toward her while throwing the scooby snacks
blindly over his shoulder creating a mess and disturbing the
people behind him. They begin to dance and Mary gives Lucy
a concerned look. Lucy laughs and gestures at Phill who is
dressed as a gay "Gangsta'". Mary est his attention and
then whispers in his ear and he comes and cuts in, dancing
with Lucy.
PHILL
Was he causing you trouble sweetie?
LUCY
No, just some harmless drunken
escapades. Thanks for the save
though.
PHILL
Any time babe. |
|
|
| An INTERROGATION scene. |
[Oct. 11th, 2005|02:39 am] |
Once again, due to the venue in which this is presented, the formatting is bad and makes it somewhat hard to read. I have the PDF if you prefer, but I doubt if I have any fans yet who would actually want to go to that trouble to read this formatted correctly. The assignment here was to write an interrogation scene in which the character being interrogated isn't guilty but is hiding something, or something along those lines. Once again, enjoy.
INT. MIKE AND ARTIE'S APARTMENT -- NIGHT
ARTIE and STACY sitting on the couch watching TV. ARTIE is
wearing Jeans and a T-shirt and his hair is messy. STACY is
dressed in nice pants and a button up shirt. She is wearing
makeup and doesn't have a hair out of place. We see MIKE
enter the apartment. His shirt is unbuttoned and he is
smoking a cigarette.
MIKE
Hey Artie. What's up?
ARTIE
Watchin' the game.
MIKE
What have you two lovebirds been up
to.
Stacy blushes and looks around awkwardly. Artie doesn't
notice.
ARTIE
(chuckles)
Lovebirds, good one. Stacy offered
to cook dinner for me and I can never
turn down free food. Especially not
on game night.
MIKE
You're telling me that all you did
was stay in the house and watch
football this evening?
ARTIE
Yeah, where were you.
MIKE
I was out socializing. Something
you should try once in a while.
STACY
Yeah, we should go out sometime.
ARTIE
You're right. That trip to best buy
last week was a blast.
Stacy's face falls. She glances around the room and then
looks at her watch.
STACY
Well I've got an early class in the
morning. I better head out.
ARTIE
Alright. See you in class tomorrow.
2.
Stacy gets up and leaves. While this is happening Mike gives
Artie a look as if to say "what the fuck are you doing"
Artie looks back confused.
MIKE
What did you do today?
ARTIE
I watched some football.
MIKE
No, what did you DO tonight.
ARTIE
I told you, I watched football.
MIKE
You watched football?
ARTIE
Did I stutter? Yeah I watched
football.
MIKE
But what about Stacy?
ARTIE
What about her? She came over to
watch football.
MIKE
Did she come over to watch football
or did she come over and you made
her watch football.
ARTIE
Hey she didn't complain. I didn't
make her do anything.
MIKE
So nothing happened?
ARTIE
What would happen?
MIKE
Look you're a bit too old for the
birds and the bees spiel.
ARTIE
Wait, what?
MIKE
(seriously)
Are you gay?
ARTIE
NO! Dude, what is your deal?
3.
MIKE
Why don't you ever go out to parties?
ARTIE
I go out to parties with you all the
time.
MIKE
Yeah you go out and then you come
back here. You never spend any time
with girls.
ARTIE
I just spent the whole day with Stacy.
MIKE
Watching football.
ARTIE
Well Stacy's like one of the guys.
MIKE
Look if you don't want to talk about
it then that's fine, I'm just looking
out for your libido.
Mike sits on the couch next to Artie and they watch some TV.
MIKE (CONT'D)
She's crazy about you.
ARTIE
The Dallas Cowboy's cheerleader?
MIKE
No, Stacy you fuck-tard.
ARTIE
Dude if she was so crazy about me
then why did we spend the afternoon
watching football.
MIKE
Why DID you spend the afternoon
watching football?
ARTIE
I dont' know. She didn't try and DO
anything.
MIKE
That's because she's a girl. She's
sending you all the signals, all you
have to do is claim her. Call her
up right now.
ARTIE
Right now? What can I say?
4.
MIKE
Who cares. It's not what you say,
it's the fact that you're calling
her. Chicks dig that.
ARTIE
It'd be too weird. She was just her
for God's sakes. She's not even
home yet.
MIKE
Look, I'm not judging you or anything,
but you'll never get a girl if you
don't try.
ARTIE
I know, I know. It's just that... I
don't connect with people that well,
so when I do I don't want to screw
it up by moving in.
MIKE
Dude, you're much more likely to
screw it up by NOT moving in.
ARTIE
Yeah, I guess you're right.
Artie gets off the couch and walks into his room. |
|
|
| The other seduction scene |
[Oct. 10th, 2005|11:24 am] |
Here's the other seduction scene I wrote a week or so ago for screenwriting. again with the formatting and the such. read and enjoy.
INT. CLINT'S DORM ROOM -- NIGHT
CLINT and CAITLYN enter the room dressed in nice clothes. The room is spotless but the broom is still in the corner and the trash can is full. It's a small room with only one bed, lofted, with a couch underneath. Clint fumbles with the lock for a second but quickly gives up. They walk directly to the couch, sit down, and start kissing. The kissing quickly escalates to gyrating and dry humping.
CAITLYN
So are you going to cut the light off or what?
CLINT
On it.
Clint jumps up, flies across the room and is about to hit the switch when the door opens. TOM stumbles into the room, makes his way to the fridge and opens it.
CLINT (CONT'D)
Hey Tom!
TOM
(Startled)
CLINT! Oh hey, back from the date already? What was that the fastest fucking date in history?
(glances at the couch)
Ah the date's on the couch. Good sign. Date must have gone well.
CLINT
Tom, I'd like you to meet Caitlyn. Caitlyn, this is my good friend Tom. He lives down the hall.
Caitlyn stares awkwardly at Tom who rummages through the fridge and emerges with a few beers and a box of cold pizza.
TOM
Well It's really nice to meet you.
There's a long pause as everyone looks around the room trying to avoid eye contact.
TOM (CONT'D)
So... yeah I'm gonna head on that way now. Catch you later.
Tom heads through the bathroom into the room next door. As soon as he leaves Clint bolts to the door and locks it and the front door. He then returns to the couch.
CLINT
So where were we?
CAITLYN
Right about here.
They get back into making out and clothes begin to come off and get strewn across the room. Soon a pounding on the wall can be heard from the room next door.
TAYLOR (O.S.)
HEY! Is she staying for a fucking sleepover or what?!?!
CAITLYN
What the hell do those guys want?
CLINT
They're just trying to get a rouse out of me. Just ignore them and they'll go away.
Caitlyn seems to be convinced and they get back into the mood. They are nearly done undressing when sounds of someone fumbling with the bathroom door can be heard. Caitlyn looks up worried about another intrusion.
CLINT (CONT'D)
Don't worry. The door's locked they can't get in.
He leans in to kiss her again and right before they embrace the door flies open revealing James. Caitlyn grabs a blanket and covers up curling into a ball on the corner of the couch. Clint stands up, wearing only boxer shorts with a blatant erection.
JAMES
Dude, your door's locked.
CLINT
(Through gritted teeth)
I can't imagine why.
JAMES
(misses the sarcasm)
That's weird. Well I wanted to come apologize to you guys about Taylor banging on your wall. I didn't want him to mess up your game and all. Let a playa' play is always my motto. But yeah just wanted to give you the ¬ol' heads up about Taylor,
(puts his hand up to his mouth and whispers loudly)
He's a little drunk.
CLINT
And you aren't?
JAMES
(a big stupid grin takes over his face)
NO, but I'll give you one guess as to what I did do.
CLINT
I can guess.
JAMES
Dude, come on into The Rabbit Hole man! Tom and I are about to start round 3.
CLINT
Dude, I have a girl over and I'm about to relieve some stress if you know what I mean.
JAMES
I know man, that's what I'm sayin'. I wanna burn one B! Lets go!
CLINT
James, I don't think you follow what I'm saying man. I'm saying-
JAMES
Oh I follow man. I follow completely. Now get your ass in here then go back to your room and relax like jack-rabbits in heat.
CLINT
I think you're legally retarded
JAMES
Only on the weekends.
CAITLYN
Clint just go in there so they'll leave you alone for the night.
Clint and James walk through the door into the bathroom
INT. BATHROOM (RABBIT HOLE) -- CONTINUOUS
The bathroom is covered with blacklight posters of mushrooms and pot leaves. Air fresheners and incense are strewn about. The shower is going and the fan is sucking steam and smoke out of the room. The room is lit only by blacklight and several miniature night lights which say "Light Up." Prominently displayed is a blacklight poster from Alice in Wonderland in psychedelic colors which reads "Into the Rabbit Hole." Clint and James enter, Tom is already in there smoking out of a glow in the dark bong.
TOM
Wow, you actually came. I was just joking when I told James to go get you.
CLINT
I hate you all. All I wanted was some ice cream with sex for dessert.
TOM
Which you will have, we just wanted to hang out for a few minutes. Haven't seen you all day.
JAMES
Yeah, so tell us about Caitlyn. Dude she is so hot.
Clint takes a hit off the bong, smiles and eases up a little.
CLINT
Well she's not to much in the brains department, but I think getting laid on the first date will make up for that.
JAMES
So, you gonna do her up the poop chute?
CLINT
Dude what the fuck!?!
(pause for another hit)
Man, I don't even know what it is that's so fascinating about doing a girl in the ass.
TOM
Dude, if you don't get it I can't fucking explain it to you.
CLINT
(Laughs)
Alright. Look man, I've got stuff to get back to
(humps the air)
So I'll catch you on the flip side
TOM/JAMES
Later man.
INT. CLINT'S DORM ROOM -- CONTINUOUS
Clint walks in from the bathroom and Caitlyn is dressed and tying her shoe.
CLINT
What are you doing?
CAITLYN
Fuck you, I heard every word in that bathroom.
CLINT
But, I didn't-
CAITLYN
Don't even BUTT me!
(she covers her butt with her hands)
I'm out!
Caitlyn leaves and slams the door leaving Clint standing in his room with a confused, unsatisfied look on his face. |
|
|
| Seduction at Wal-mart |
[Oct. 3rd, 2005|01:33 pm] |
This is a scene I wrote for my screenwriting class. I thought it was hilarious so I'm gonna put it up her since I haven't updated this thing in months. tell me what you think about it. Formatting is a little off because it's just cut and paste, but it should be easily decipherable. oh and the names are changed even from my assignment. the characters may be based off real people, but keep in mind it is a scene I wrote, not an accurate retelling of an actual event. enough disclaimers, read the fucking shit and laugh.
INT. ¬WAL-MART -- NIGHT
TOM and JAMES are in the lighting section. Tom has shaggy long hair, is wearing brown bell bottoms, bowling shoes, a Cheech and Chong t-shirt, and a plaid smoking jacket. James is of a comparable build and is wearing leather sandals, boot cut jeans, a brightly colored striped shirt and a hemp necklace.
The shopping cart is filled top to bottom with various junk foods. An half eaten open box of donuts sits on top. James grabs a bottle of Visine from the shelf across the aisle and puts it in his eyes. He then walks up to the lava lamps, leans his face inches away from it and taps it with his finger. At the same time Tom takes out a donut and takes a bite, spilling jelly down his face.
TOM
Cut that shit out man. Could you possibly be a little more conspicuous?
JAMES
Fuck man, you're the one with jelly running down his face.
TOM
(catches something out of the corner of his eye)
Oh shit, grab the cart, it's time to roll out.
SALLY (O.S.)
Tom!
TOM
(To James)
Damn, we're in a tight spot!
SALLY is seen walking towards us. She is wearing pajama pants, and an old T-shirt which isn't long enough to cover her gut. Her hair is a mess and her eye liner is running as if she has been crying. She she approaches, but stands a few feet away, waves shyly, and puts on a sad puppy face.
JAMES
(To Tom, but slightly too loud.)
Shit, she's got a mild case of overweight and underattractive.
Tom laughs at the comment but elbows James in the ribs. He glances at SALLY, then fixes his bloodshot eyes on the lava lamps.
SALLY
(passivly)
Oh, hey James.
(to Tom)
Hey, I just thought you might want to know that Bob and I defiantly aren't together anymore
(pause)
Just in case you wanted to know or anything.
TOM
(with forced enthusiasm)
Wow, that really sucks!
Tom pauses, thinks about what he just said and giggles to himself. SALLY doesn't notice and continues.
SALLY
Yeah, I called him to see if he wanted to do anything tonight and he said he was out looking for weed so he didn't want to do anything tonight.
(pause)
Or any other night for that matter. I guess we know what his priorities are.
TOM
(spraying donut out his mouth in surprise)
Bobby Papers dumped you for weed!?!
JAMES
(quietly to Tom)
Didn't see that one coming.
Tom covers his mouth to try and contain his laughter, he glances over at SALLY who is struggling to hold back tears. Tom bites his tongue and looks directly at the floor, giggling silently.
SALLY
(regains her composure)
So anyway, I was thinking I'm in a tough spot right now and I could really use somebody to talk to...
SALLY trails off and looks longingly at Tom who deliberately avoids her gaze.
TOM
I would, but I've got to read North by Northwest by class tomorrow and I haven't started yet. The book's something like 140 pages so That could take up the whole night.
SALLY
How come you never call me?
TOM
(Snickers, then looks her in the eye)
To be perfectly honest, the last three times you've called me since Sunday I've been stoned off my gourd.
SALLY turns and walks away, clearly angry.
SALLY
That is such a lie.
TOM
(shouting after her)
That is not a lie! I smoke weed every God-Damned night of the week.
Passing ¬Wal-mart shoppers turn to stare at his spectacle. Tom doesn't notice.
TOM (CONT'D)
(to James)
Ha! Told her!
JAMES
My God, what was that about.
TOM
Stupid party Saturday. Hey, why is it that a camera will add ten pounds but beer goggles take a few off and add professional makeup?
JAMES
The world may never know. |
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| Memorial day weekend |
[May. 31st, 2005|06:37 pm] |
Captains Log, Stardate 05312005,
I’m in the back of a van and I don’t know why I just emulated Star Trek. I haven’t watched the show in years and even when I did it was infrequent. Plus I’m not the captain of this van anyway, I’m in the back seat bored out of my mind. I’m on my way home from my grandmothers house where I spent Memorial day Weekend. I spent Friday night and Saturday morning with Phillip at his place in Alexandria. It’s fucking awesome and I can’t wait for July 18th, or as I call it, “The fucking coolest fucking four day party in Alexandria Virginia a suburb of Washington DC ever!” Actually I don’t call it that because it’s too many syllables. But if anyone has a good acronym I could use that’d be easier to say then I’ll start using that. Then Saturday and Sunday were spent with My Grandparents, my 10 aunts and uncles, my 10 cousins, my parents and brother and sister. For those counting, that’s 27 people including me. It was my mom’s whole family for my grandparents 50th wedding anniversary. I’m the oldest grandchild, one cousin is 2 months younger than me, and the rest are much younger than me. So basically I had a bunch of little kids and a bunch of aunts and uncles around. But it wasn’t so bad I hadn’t seen a lot of them for a couple years so it was fun.
But of course that paragraph was boring because the weekend lacked excitement. One thing I did enjoy however was that the festivities in DC far exceeded Charlotte’s speedstreet. It was laughable really. While Charlotte enjoyed the music of “Hootie and the Coverband”, Hootie and the Blowfish were performing in the district. I guess that’s probably a difference in prestige of performing for the nations capitol and surrounding area of SEVERAL million people for the memorial of our nation’s war heroes, or performing in the south for a bunch of drunken rednecks cheering for race cars and cheering louder when they wreck unless it takes out one of their heroes “Good Ol’ number 3.”
On memorial day itself I went to manassas battlefield, or Bull Run if you would prefer. It was kind of interesting, however I prefer the museums. I actually find it kind of humorous that a battlefield where men fought and brutally killed their brothers has become a tourist attraction. Somehow I don’t think the same thing will happen to any of the Vietnam Jungle, but then again you just never know now do you?
Well I’m tired and I believe the last two paragraphs offered a healthy dose of cynicism so for now I’ll retire and turn off the ol’ laptop before the battery is shot. See you all later. All zero of you who read this rarely-updated thing.
PS: I'm listening to Modest Mouse and heard the most fucking awesome lyric in the song "Bukowski"
"if God takes life he's an indian giver" |
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| Dark humor |
[Apr. 21st, 2005|01:05 pm] |
So what are your plans for the future?
Well, I plan to live with my head in the clouds for the next two and a half years at which point I will panic and spend the remainder of my final college semester looking for a "real job" where I can go to work from 9-5 every day in a cubicle and do mundane tasks day in and day out. I'll stay there for 3 to 5 years until the monotonous nature of the office slowly rots my soul from the inside out. I'll realize how bored and lonely I am, because I'm an unlovable bastard and will doubtlessly be living alone in a shitty run down apartment where my most intimate contact occurs when "Real Sex" comes on HBO late nights, and I'll quietly end it all in the shower with a revolver I buy off of a taxi driver whose name I can't pronounce.
...
Nah I'm just fuckin' with you; I don't have any plans.
Some people just don't appreciate dark humor. |
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| A walk in the silence |
[Apr. 4th, 2005|03:51 am] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Ohlala(I wish that I knew what I know now when I was younger | ] |
Beauty. It’s all around but you just don’t notice it. The trees; the sky; the cold spring air against your skin with that tingling pain that’s all too perfect; the faint crackle of a tiny smoldering cigar in the midst of a cold empty abyss; the burning smoke and an exhale of breath illuminated by the moonlight; the white flowering trees offset by a matte of darkness extending to infinity; watching what you know God himself sees when he closes his eyes; solitude; peace.
Darkness isn’t evil; it’s beauty. It blacks out all that which isn’t important and brings out the subtlety and perfection of that which is. The night is divine. Empty streets; humming lights; bare trees and dim sidewalks; brick walkways to empty buildings; stone structures with empty windows like black holes drawing everything in; the center of an empty field with the stars and the sky and Venus, god of beauty, illuminating it all. Everything is still, untouched, undisturbed. Everything is perfect.
A walk in the silence with nothing but internal monologue and then out of nowhere it all just makes sense. |
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| Reverend Robbie. |
[Mar. 30th, 2005|12:16 pm] |
You may all call me Reverend now since I got ordained online yesterday. It was an idea I got from Jason Painter back freshman or sophomore year of high school when he did the same thing. going online to the Universal Life Church you can become an ordained minister online; so yesterday I went online and signed up. Now I'm an ordained minister with the power to marry, perform last rights, baptisms and any other religious acts except circumcision. apparently you have to have some sort of medical liscense to chop the foreskin off of someone's penis. no big loss there though. I wasn't exactly planning on going into business trimmin' people's willies. I can also forgive sins apparently. I've decided that being attractive now absolves you from sins. I have the power to establish my own church as well if I really want to. I'm going to look into the doctorines of the church and see if I can't perform Exorcism's as well. Hopefully I can because that would be the fucking shit but I'm a little worried that only Catholic Priests can Exorcise people. I haven't ever heard of a protestant minister performing exorcisms but who knows. the other awesome thing is that ULC is non denominational. The only things I'm bound to do by this church are to promote freedom of religion and do that which is right. The best part is they define doing what is right as doing what I think is right as long as it's not harmful or illegal. Also the fact that we allow all religions in means I can still be catholic, and I can have buddhists, jews, muslims, mormons, and protestants in my religion. It's totally awesome. but basically I just want to marry people. I can legally do it. I just have to find out what papers I have to sign on the marriage liscense and people will be legally married. it's kick fucking ass. I'll do it on the side for supplemental income. I'llbe an on call reverend to marry people on campus when they find out they got knocked up. Plus ministers get some sort of tax exempt status or a tax break or something. I'll have to look into it legally but I may never have to pay taxes again so yay for that. Plus the prestige of writing Rev. before my name. Now when I say something people will listen because I have a title. is that not awesome!? I'm also looking into getting a super soaker so I can perform Gurilla baptisms on the hoardes of heathens which walk around the school. Somebody's gotta get out there and save their souls. It's about time this place saw a minister with some style. being aminister is awesome!
in other news I laughed in phillip's face yesterday. actually that's a lie he wouldn't tell me where he was so I couldn't laugh at him. he called me while I was on my way back fromthe library and told me he spilt a full bottle of coke in his lap. I didn't see it happen but I imagine a murder of chicks with voluptous breasts and firm buttocks walked by and he lost control of motor functions spilling it all in his lap. but then again I imagine a gaggle of beautiful women in all my fantasies so that speculation probably holds no merit. but it's still funny so that's officially what happened. drinking sees tits and ass loses bodily functions coke in the lap. long story short he calls me to bring him pants I say "Tell me where you are so I can come laugh in your face first... then I'll bring you the pants.. I promise" Phillip ended up walking back to the room instead. I guess I'm a dirty bastard, but dirty bastards tell better stories than reverends so it's cool. WAIT what's that I'm a reverend too!?! that's awesome.
so until next time this is Reverend Dirty Bastard out fighting the good fight. |
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| a short skit using loaded questions and sarcasm: By: Robbie Cassidy |
[Mar. 16th, 2005|11:02 am] |
This is a short skit I wrote for Phillip for his english class. read and enjoy... or hate me, I'm not particular.
Setting: Inaugural Ball 2005
Characters:
President Bush -------- President of the United States
Bill O’Reiley---------- TV Republican talking head.
Jill Valentine---------- Witty liberal reporter for The Washington Post
Jenna Bush------------ George W. Bush’s alcoholic daughter.
Bush
[Walks over to the Fox News table and starts a conversation.] Howdy, thank y’all fer all the help durin’ the election; those stories about Kerry were great for the campaign, keep up the good work.
Bill O’Reiley
Don’t worry about it Mr. President. It’s my duty as a republican to put your political interests ahead of my journalistic principals. Spreading lies to help you gain political approval is my bread and butter. Here at Fox News we have a saying; “fact and objectivity is for the birds.”
[Enter: Jill Valentine]
Jill
So Bill, do you still engage in phone sex with employees?
Bill
I wish you reporters would stay the hell out of people’s private lives. What’s happened to the values in journalism? Does every story have to be an attack on the private lives of people in the public spectacle?
Jill
I don’t know Bill, Why don’t we ask President Clinton his opinion on that. I’m sure you’re familiar with his sex scandal; I seem to recall you covering it frequently on your show.
Bill
So you’re saying you watch my show huh? It’s always nice to meet a fan.
Jill
Yeah, it’s good for a laugh every once in a while. I particularly like your usage of irony in the “No Spin Zone” segment where you blatantly force your opinion upon us.
Bill
I’m sure we both have more pressing things to do so why don’t you go chat it up with the rest of your liberal buddies? [Bill looks at bush and they laugh at her condescendingly.]
Jill
You’re right Bill; I do have better things to do; like asking the President if the next years are going to entail as much job expansion and economic growth as the last term.
Bush
Well I’ve formed this new “strategery” to fight poverty in this country. We take the poorest people and we cut their programs. That way they’ll be motivated to stop being so poor. With the money I save from this I’ll cut the taxes of the richest white heterosexual males in the country so they have more money. This begins the trickle down effect where the richest people shit on everyone below them and the diarrhea trickles down until the poorest street scum gets it all. Those poor minorities just need this motivation to get off their lazy poor asses and be rich white heterosexual males like the rest of us Americans.
Bill
Yeah, you tell her
Jill
[Dumbfounded:] That’s astonishing. [Pause] So Mr. President, what’s in store for foreign policy next term. Which crippled powerless dictatorship are we going to pump our dollars and military casualties into under false pretenses next? And are our newly funded bunker busting nuclear weapons ready for use in this coming war.
Bush
Well our foreign policy is classified information. You have to be a powerful person to know it, like the President of the United States, like me. You’re not the President of the United States, I’m the President of the United States, so you can’t know what I know.
Jill
I’m not even sure I can know what it is you just said. Can you comment on the bunker busting nuclear arms?
Bush
Well I don’t know the technical specificness[sic] of these bunker bashing nucular[sic] thing-a-ma-jigs but I do know this: Terrorists, I know you’re out there and I’m gonna getcha!
Jill
But is it not true that we almost caught binLaden but he escaped when we called troops from Afghanistan to go to Iraq?
Bill
I’m going to go ahead and rudely interrupt to cover the Presidents ass here. Where do you liberals get off hating America? This man has done everything in his power to make the world a safer place for all of us and you don’t ease up on him for a second.
Bush
It’s tough work bein’ president. Sometimes I have to make tough calls. I’m just lucky to have God on my side.
Bill
Amen
Jill
Yeah about that, I’ve been meaning to ask you what you have to say to our non-religious voters.
Bush
Well they better find Jesus and accept him into their hearts unless they want to go to hell. Election’s over, no more buttering up those satanic imps.
Jill
Sir, what about other religions such as Muslims?
Bush
Well I’ll admit I wasn’t ready for that question but I guess the way I see it they just need to start believing in God and stop dying in the name of this Allah character.
Jill
[Looks at Bill for help who shrugs and looks back at her.] Um… Mr. President, You do know that Allah is the Arab’s word for God right?
Bush
There's an old saying in Tennessee - I know it's in Texas, it's probably in Tennessee - that says, fool me once, shame on ... shame on you. It fool me. We can't get fooled again.
[Jill stares at Bush in disbelief as Jenna Bush stumbles in from the bar.]
Jenna
Hey everyone… ORGY!
Bill
[Grabbing Bush’s attention]: Um sir, you may want to have security take care of her.
Bush
What are you talking about Bill? That’s daddy’s little girl. Get over here Jenna. [Jenna stumbles over and throws up on Jill’s shoes.] Why’d you have to go and do that? Just because she’s a Marxist liberal doesn’t mean she deserves any disrespect. Anyways, you’re a Bush; I know you can hold your liquor better than that.
Jenna
Sorry daddy.
Jill
Jenna I’ve been meaning to ask you, what is your take on your father’s stance on homosexuality?
Jenna
[To Bush] Daddy I thought you had that photographer with those party pictures taken care of.
Bush
Shh, honey that’s not what she’s talking about. [To Jill:] I’m sorry you’ll have to excuse her, she’s a little drunk right now.
Jenna
[Crying]: I want to go home daddy.
Bush
Ok sweetie just let me answer one more of the reporters question before she goes and writes her article bashing me to benefit the self serving liberal media.
Jill
I work for the Washington Post, a well respected newspaper.
Bill
I’m sorry, the Washington what? Must be another of those hippy publications you elitists read. If you want real news fair and balanced go to Fox News.
Jill
[Sarcastically]: That’s a good idea. Mr. President, If God hates gays so much then why shouldn’t we allow them to die in a war?
Bush
The values behind that are many and they are strong. To answer your question I’m going to make vague references to the Bible, which I read daily, but I will make generalizations and offer no specific passages. Jesus hated the gays almost as much as he hated terrorists, or as they were known back then Jews. Jesus wouldn’t let the Jews die though, he died for them. So we have to think; what would Jesus do?
Jill
Mr. President that made no sense.
Bush
[Interrupting]: No no, it made perfect sense.
Jill
[Continues]: As for what Jesus would do I’m going out on a limb here but I think Jesus would love everybody and try to avoid war instead of seeking it out in the Middle East.
Bush
Agree to disagree. Well that’s all the time I have right now. We have to get Jenna to a toilet before she blows again.
[Exit Bush and Jenna]
Bill
So Jill, is there any way you would be interested in giving me your number? I get so lonely some nights.
[Long pause with an awkward stare.]
Jill
Fuck off Bill
[Jill leaves.] |
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